Key points
- It is normal not to know what to say, or to worry about saying the wrong thing; the most important thing is not what you say, but that you show you care [2].
- Listen more than you talk. Sometimes the best thing you can do is simply listen, and you do not have to keep saying "everything will be fine" [1].
- There is no need to push the person to "stay positive" or "fight"; in a review of 26 studies, a fighting spirit or feelings of hopelessness had no clear link with how long people lived [4].
- Offer specific help, such as bringing a meal, driving the person to hospital or looking after the children; many friends and relatives want to help but do not know what to do [1].
- If you have a cold or are unwell, do not visit someone who is having chemotherapy; call them instead, and wash your hands before you see them [8].
- Most patients want to know the truth about their illness: in a study in Iran, about 8 in every 10 patients wanted to be told their diagnosis [7].
How to support someone with cancer emotionally
Supporting someone does not mean keeping them cheerful at any cost. The person has every right to feel sad, worried or angry. Everyone comes to terms with their thoughts and fears in their own time and in their own way. It is their life and their cancer; support whatever they want to say [1].
Many people with cancer hide their sadness and worry and act as if they are fine so as not to upset their family; families often do the same. But talking about the cancer and about worries can lower the strain for everyone [3].
If you are worried that low spirits will make the cancer worse: in a review of 26 studies, most studies found no link between a fighting spirit or feelings of hopelessness and how long people lived or whether the cancer came back. The researchers concluded that people with cancer should not feel pressured to adopt a particular attitude [4]. Read more: Does stress cause cancer?
What to say and what not to say to someone with cancer
These phrases can help you start a conversation without putting the person under pressure [1, 2]:
- "I don't know what to say, but you matter a lot to me and I'm here for you."
- "I know this is hard to talk about, but I'm ready to listen or to talk any time."
- "Are there some things that worry you?"
- "Can I just sit with you for a while?"
| Instead of this | Try this | Why |
|---|---|---|
| "Don't be sad, you'll get well." | "It must be hard. Can I just sit with you for a while?" | It respects their feelings and shows that you are there [2] |
| "You'll be fine, don't worry." | "Are there some things that worry you?" | You do not have to keep saying "everything will be fine"; let them tell you what worries them [1, 2] |
| "You have to be strong and think positive." | "Whatever you're feeling is normal; you don't have to be strong in front of me." | People with cancer should not feel pressured to have a particular attitude; hiding feelings adds to the strain [3, 4] |
| "How did you get it? Did you smoke?" | "I'm so sorry this has happened to you." | In people with lung cancer, feeling stigmatised and blamed has been linked with more distress and a poorer quality of life [5] |
| "My friend had the same thing and…" | "Would you like to tell me more?" | Every cancer is different, and each person's outlook depends on their type of cancer and their own situation [3] |
| "You should try this medicine or diet." | "If you've heard about something, let's talk it over with your doctor." | Some advice is wrong or misleading, or does not fit with the treatment plan [1] |
If you say the wrong thing, do not worry; you can simply say you are sorry. The fact that you are trying to be there for them matters more than any words [2].
How to treat someone with cancer: listening and acting normally
Listen
Give the person time to talk, listen, and try not to interrupt. You do not need to sort everything out at once [1].
Ask about the right time
For difficult conversations, find a quiet time and ask whether they feel like talking now. If they do not, ask whether you could talk another time; they may also prefer to talk to someone else [1].
Speak from the heart
Be honest and simple, and speak from your heart [1]. You do not need to have the answer to every question.
Don't take anger personally
People often take out their fear and stress on those closest to them. Try not to take it personally; the anger is usually not really about you [1].
They are still the same person
Talk about other parts of life too: family, work, memories and small plans. The person is more than their illness. If they do not want to talk about the cancer, respect their wishes [1].
How to help someone going through chemo: practical help
Many friends and relatives want to help, but do not know what the person and their family need or how to offer help [1]. Instead of "let me know if you need anything", offer something specific, for example "I'll bring you dinner on Thursday". Kinds of help that are usually useful [1]:
- cooking, cleaning or other housework
- shopping and picking up medicines from the pharmacy
- driving the person to appointments and treatment sessions
- picking the children up from school or looking after them
- keeping the person company so that the main caregiver can rest for a while
- keeping relatives and friends updated, so that the person and their family do not have to repeat the news to everyone
Think of the main caregiver too; they also need someone to listen to them and a little rest [1]. See the guide A guide for family members and caregivers.
Visiting someone having chemotherapy: what to bring and what to keep in mind
- 1
If you are unwell, stay away
Chemotherapy lowers the number of white blood cells, so the person catches infections more easily. If you have a cold, a cough, a fever or diarrhoea, do not visit; call or make a video call instead [8].
- 2
Wash your hands
Before you see the person, wash your hands well with soap and water [8].
- 3
Get a flu vaccine
People who live with the person or are in close contact with them should have a flu vaccine every year [9].
- 4
Call before you go, and keep it short
Ask whether they feel up to a visit today. They may be tired that day; a short, calm visit is usually better than a long, busy one. The family sometimes needs time alone too. See the guide Fatigue from cancer and its treatment.
- 5
Ask about food
Ask before you bring food; strong food smells, perfume or scented candles can make nausea worse [10]. Meat, fish and eggs should be well cooked, and hot food kept hot and cold food kept cold [8]. See What foods should be avoided during chemotherapy?
Care package ideas for a chemo patient
For a dry mouth
Lip balm, sugar-free sweets and a good water bottle help; for a sensitive mouth, a very soft toothbrush is a thoughtful gift [11]. See the guide Mouth sores.
If their hair is falling out
A soft hat or a comfortable cotton scarf. See the guide Hair loss during chemotherapy.
For hours of waiting
A book, puzzles, an audiobook or a playlist of their favourite music; treatment sessions and waiting in hospital can take a long time. See the guide Your first chemotherapy session.
The gift of time
A "voucher" offering help with cooking, shopping or a lift to hospital also makes a good gift; these are the kinds of help that the person and their family often need [1].
Better not to bring
Perfume, scented candles and strong-smelling food [10]. Ask the ward about flowers and plants too; some wards do not allow them.
How to tell someone they have cancer
Sometimes families, out of love, want to keep a cancer diagnosis from the person who is ill. But most patients want to know: in a study of 249 people with cancer in Zanjan, Iran, about 8 in every 10 wanted to be told their diagnosis, while about 3 in every 10 did not yet know it [7]. In a large study in the UK, too, almost all patients wanted to know whether their illness was cancer, and nearly 9 in every 10 wanted all the information, good or bad [6].
In some cultures, decisions are made more by the family as a whole, and this deserves respect too; but the person who is ill should be able to say how much they want to know [3]. Some people want every detail and others want less [3]. Keeping a secret is hard as well: the person and their family may both hide their feelings from each other, while talking openly lowers the strain for everyone [3].
- 1
Let the doctor give the medical news
It is best for the doctor to explain the diagnosis and the treatment plan, with a family member present if the person wishes [3]. Before the appointment, talk with the doctor about your worries.
- 2
A quiet time and place
Choose a calm time and a private place, and ask whether they would like to talk now [1].
- 3
- 4
Make room for feelings
After hearing the news, they may cry, go quiet or become angry. Stay with them and listen; not everything has to be settled in one conversation [1].
- 5
Offer honest hope
Instead of making promises, talk about the treatment plan and what is being done for their comfort and recovery, and remind them that they are not alone. Read more: Can cancer be cured?
If there are children at home, see the guide How do I talk to my children about my cancer? If the person you love is in the last days of life, the guide The last weeks and days of life with cancer also has words suited to that time.
When should I call the doctor?
Sometimes a visitor is the first person to notice a problem. If the person is having chemotherapy and has any of these signs, help them contact the care team straight away or go to an emergency department [8]:
- a temperature of 38 °C or higher or chills
- a cough, sore throat, diarrhoea, headache, or a sore or stiff neck
- a skin rash, or sores or white patches in the mouth or on the tongue
- redness or swelling, especially where a catheter enters the body
See the guide Fever and warning signs during chemotherapy. If the person talks about harming themselves or ending their life, do not leave them alone, and contact their doctor or call your local emergency number straight away. If their sadness and worry do not ease, the guide Anxiety, depression and fear of cancer coming back can help.
Frequently asked questions
The person does not want to talk about their illness; what should I do?
Is it all right to cry in front of the person?
How can I help from a distance?
What should I say if the person talks about dying?
Do not cut them off or change the subject. Phrases such as "It must be hard to come to terms with all of this" or "We will be there for you always" help more than "Don't talk like that" [2]. See also the guide The last weeks and days of life with cancer.
The family insists that the person must not find out they have cancer; what should we do?
The doctor has mentioned "palliative care"; does that mean there is no hope?
Do not be alarmed; before drawing any conclusions, read What is palliative care? together and ask the doctor your questions.
Breaking bad news and patients' wish to know (for doctors)
Show detailsHide
- Information preferences: in 2331 patients with cancer at UK centres, 87% (2027) wanted all possible information, both good and bad, and 98% (2203) wanted to know whether or not their illness was cancer; the 13.2% (58/440) who preferred to leave details to the doctor tended to be older than 70 [6]. In Iran (Zanjan, 249 patients): 71.5% were aware of their diagnosis and 80.7% preferred to be informed of it; top preferences: the doctor taking time to answer all questions completely, confidence in the doctor's technical competence, and being told the best treatment option [7].
- SPIKES (six-step protocol for breaking bad news): Setting up the interview, assessing the patient's Perception, obtaining the patient's Invitation (how much they want to know), giving Knowledge, addressing Emotions with empathic responses, Strategy and Summary; clinicians taught the protocol reported more confidence in disclosing bad news [12].
- When the family asks for non-disclosure: acknowledge the role of the family in family-centred cultures, but ask the patient how much they want to know and whom they want involved in decisions [3].
- Coping style and survival: systematic review of 26 studies of survival and 11 of recurrence: most studies of fighting spirit (10 studies) or helplessness/hopelessness (12 studies) found no significant association with survival or recurrence; positive findings were mostly confined to small or methodologically flawed studies [4].
- Lung cancer stigma: in a systematic review of 15 studies, stigma was related to poorer quality of life and greater psychological distress [5].
References
12 referencesShow all referencesClose the reference list
Numbers in the text, such as [1], refer to these sources. Sources with a “Study card” button are summarised in the site’s evidence library.
- 1
- 2
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- 5
- 6
- 7
- 8
- 9Altered Immunocompetence: General Best Practice Guidelines for Immunization
- 10
- 11Mouth and Throat Problems and Cancer Treatment
- 12
This page is based on reputable scientific sources and was last updated on 28 October 2026. The content of this website is for educational and informational purposes only and does not replace consultation, diagnosis or treatment by a specialist physician. Consult your treating physician about any treatment decision.
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